Holding up a mirror to love

In so many situations I have been confronted with recently, I have found myself coming back each time to the concept of finding balance in my perception of a situation. 

We are all a circumstance of our surroundings, our upbringings and our conditioning. We are influenced strongly by the society that we ingrain ourselves into. So to blame individuals for a behaviour, is to not look at the whole picture. 

On the other hand, we are all responsible for our behaviour and actions. We have to live with the consequences of what we do. 

So here we come to the question of balance. How do we hold those people responsible for their behaviours whilst also holding in balance a sense of compassion for the reason they behaved in that way?

There is someone in my life, who recently has been throwing sarcastic, sometimes cutting comments at me. Each time this happens, I want to respond strongly and cuttingly back, but I know this will only worsen the situation. 

So now I search for a way to strongly stand my ground. Whilst holding in balance the knowledge that they do actually care about me they just don’t know how to express that fact kindly. 

As women, we have for generations been primed to be acceptable to those around us, for many the only way to progress in life was to marry well. This now seeps into modern behaviours and across the genders too. 

We can all find ourselves wanting to be loved, therefore altering our behaviours to make us more acceptable to others. This leads us to stay silent, when we could shout out. 

On the other hand, we have become uncomfortable with adversity. We are triggered more easily than ever. We react to things that people say and we feed fear with more fear. 

I believe there is a way that sits between these two polarities. We can hold both the knowledge that it's ok to say no to things that do not contribute to our growth, along with the compassion for the other person in that they are only doing their best.

Finding this balance is a challenge for me, it's easy for me to respond with a powerful retort. I was brought up to feel safe in challenging others. But I wasn't taught the gentleness of vulnerability. This is something I’ve had to learn for myself.

I don’t always get it right, sometimes I bite too hard, sometimes I stay too silent. Sometimes I tolerate too much, sometimes I react from fear and let my own conditioning influence my behaviour.

Finding balance for me is all about working out where the tipping point between powerfulness and gentleness lies. I find this by regularly going too far one way or the other. 

I use the knowledge that love is the opposite of fear as my guide and aim to lead with love. 

I bounce from one end of the scale as strong and defiant, to the other end as silent and passive. 

I analyse and review my reactions, I practise radical honesty with myself. It's an infinite process of vulnerability and growth and all we can ever do is hope to get better. 

What is your own balancing act? 

If you stop and contemplate your automatic responses, where do you swing between two ends of a scale? 

How can you recognise this and start to move closer to your version of equilibrium?